The link with the dead

 I was talking to a friend, who happens to be a Muslim, about death and he was telling about his experience when he buried his father's body many years ago. It is the a practice among the Muslims to bury the dead body (everyone knows it, of course). There are two ways in which it is buried - one option is to bury and then build a tomb with a tombstone on it, and the second option is to bury it in the ground in such a way that you don't know where exactly the body is buried. The second option is more prevalent in places where there is less space and they can not expand the cemetery. The first option is also there in Christians. In Parsi community, they keep the body on top of a tall tower where the vultures or other birds can eat the body away - this is another way of giving it back to nature. In Hindus, the body is burnt and the ashes are strewn across the sea or in the river. I may be wrong about some specifics about some of the things, but that is not the point.

It got me thinking, however, on how the different methods affect the ones who are left behind - the kids, the spouses, friends, other relatives. Knowing that the body is buried at a particular place - means that you will always have it in your mind. So every year or every day or whenever you feel like, you will want to go there and feel sad about it - with full knowledge that the body of your loved one is right there, a few feet under the ground. The body may have decomposed but there is some small part which is still there. However, if the body is cremated/burnt and ashes thrown away or if the body has been kept for the birds to eat away - that means there remains no connection with the dead. 

Which of the two is a better way to deal with the loss? Does not having a physical connection with the dead through the tomb make it easier to deal with the loss? or having that connection, that tomb, as a place to grieve make it easier to deal with it?

I don't know what is better or worse, but did get me thinking about it. Every religion has its own ways, its own methods, owns traditions. It's not about the religion. I am thinking purely from human perspective.

I personally would think that getting it over with, without any physical link remaining, would make it comparatively easier. However, thinking from the other angle, maybe having that physical place or link means that all of your feeling of sadness/loss etc. has one specific place to grieve whenever you want. That possibly makes it easier to get through life. 

Just something that occurred to me. Thought of sharing.

What do you think?

Do you multitask? Think again

Who do think is better at multitasking? Men or women? Think for a minute...
Think...
Think...
Think...
Think...
Think...

Done?

Whatever your answer is, chances are that you're wrong.

Researchers have shown that our brains (men's as well as women's) cannot multitask. Period. What our brain does, when we 'believe' that we are multitasking, is switching between tasks at an amazing speed. Just like a single core processor in a computer. It cannot multitask. It manages multiple tasks by switching between them. While, it may be efficient for a processor to do it that way, our brain doesn't take too kindly to this.

Researchers at Stanford have shown that doing multiple tasks at the same time actually decreases productivity, because our brain cannot ignore irrelevant information while switching between multiple tasks. You might feel that you're being more productive by 'multitasking', but it's a myth.

There is also switching cost involved during 'multitasking'. Every time the brain moves from one task to the other, it takes extra energy and mental bandwidth to do so - the energy that could have been used to perform the task instead.  In addition, there's a residue of the previous task that lingers on for sometime before the brain can completely focus on the new task. It takes four times more time to recognize new things, hence by the time the brain settles down into the new task, lot of energy and time is already lost.

It maybe argued that we are actually multitasking when we drive and talk at the same time, or when we walk and talk at the same time, etc. But in these cases, the act of driving or walking or playing an instrument, is because of our muscle memory. When you first try to play an instrument, you have to concentrate hard on playing it because your brain is using all it's power to play the right notes. You cannot have a meaningful conversation at that time. However, when you learn the instrument, your brain doesn't come into picture when you play - it's all muscle memory. Same is with walking or driving. So, in a way, yes you do multi task when you are doing something along with muscle memory action. But that's about it. That's not the same as 'multitasking' the way this term is normally used.

At work, you are expected to do a lot of tasks and all tasks are important (sigh). You are also expected to 'multitask'. But, now that you know that your brain cannot do it, what do you do? Prioritize! Prioritize and work in such a way that you give substantial amount of time to one task before moving on to the next one. This way, you use your brain's full power for that time and are able to do a better job of the task at hand till you reach a logical break point. You can then decide to start with another task that also needs to be taken care of. That way, you are still 'multitasking' but are being more productive.

So, the next time your boss tells you to multitask - ask him/her to read this article! :)

Office politics - a primer

Politics has been around in the world from the day humans started living as a group. As society formed, different personalities came together and also the need to survive or thrive in this society. This need made people do many things, both positive and negative. That's politics. However, in the current environment, the definition of politics is almost solely negative and we will stick with that. No walk of life has been left untouched by it because no matter where we go, we have to deal with people and everywhere people are trying to get on top. Some try to do it the 'right' way, some try to do it a different way. You just can't escape politics.

Office, is like a mini world. You start working there, you interact with the people and machines around you, and you exit the company at some point in time. The politics in a company is similar to politics in the world - only difference being the scale of things. You may love it, you may hate it, but you can't ignore it.

Some of the key type of people that you need to beware of in office are (credit - Henry Lee) -

1. Manipulators - Will exploit and manipulate others to achieve their ends
2. Brownnosers - Will constantly try to please the bosses in all possible ways
3. Cliques - A coterie of people who will always play their game together
4. Gossipers - 'Information carriers'
5. Backstabbers - Will use your trust in them to backstab you, sometimes using the gossipers
6. Pseudo-bosses - Will make you work as if it's their right to order you around
7. Thieves - Will take credit of your work
8. Sabotage experts - Will sabotage your work so they can look better than you

Whether you decide indulge in politics or not, these people are always a threat to you in any office. So beware of them and deal with them accordingly. While you can't always succeed, it's always good to understand what type a person is so that you can at least be careful. As it is, when you work in any organization, there are only 3 choices in front of you (politically speaking) - 

1. Play the game - Before you decide to do it, you better be fully prepared for the consequences. Once you're in it, you can't get out of it. So, do this only if you are fully committed and you have that kind a mind that will let you play it well. As Cersei Lannister says in the Game of Thrones - 'When you play the game of thrones, you either win or you die; there's no middle ground.'
2. Let others play the game while you sway in the wind based on the outcomes - This is what most people tend to do, because they do not have what it takes to play the game - and there's nothing wrong in it. They are like a lord's army in the game of thrones. They keep working away in the direction that the powers decide and change direction when told to do so. In a way it's a less stressful job since there's no constant scheming and plotting going on in the mind. So, if you want live comparatively peacefully, this is the way to go.
3. Put blinkers on and hope that others will leave you alone - Some people are like this. They want to believe that there is no politics going on or that, even if there's politics, they will not be affected by it because they are so good at their work that they will always survive. While it is a good way to feel better about yourself, it may not always work because, remember, no one is indispensable. Being good at your job, can only take you so far.

You may succeed or fail after deciding to take a particular path. But no matter what you decide to do out of the three, there's one thing that you should always do - be yourself. No one else is you and you are no one else. Always remember that and stick to what you are. Whether in the world or in office, being yourself is always beneficial for you. As Tyrion Lannister says in the Game of Thrones - 'Never forget what you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armour yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you.'

The road less traveled

I was reading an interview of Maninder Singh, the Indian spinner from the 80s, in the morning. I had always wondered what happened to him and why he disappeared all of a sudden from the cricket scene. It is a good interview to read to know the struggle of a prodigy to do something he wanted to try, go against his parents wishes, getting success, falling into a downward spiral of depression and failures, alcoholism, complete breakdown and eventually getting up and becoming more 'normal' and living a happy life. Full interview here.

Now this is what one might call a not-a-normal life. He had chosen a path that most people will not pick - sports, even though he was great at studies. Going forward also he always had choices to make and he probably kept making the choices that were what a 'normal' person may not make. He basically chose the 'road less traveled'. There are many examples of successes of people who took the less trodden paths - Mark Zuckerberg, Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, Baba Amte, Prakash Amte, and many many more. Most of us will be awed by these legends and their work. 

Robert Frost wrote beautifully about the choices we have to make throughout our lives and how he

chose the road less traveled and that made all the difference, in his famous poem 'The road not taken'. On the face of it, the poem seems to suggest that the protagonist's life is great (in future) and the reason for that was his decision to take the less trodden path (this is not my analysis; it's what many poetry experts have suggested). However, I think that's not what Frost wanted to write. He had two roads in front of him and both of them were more or less the same. One of them looked better than the other only because of all the grass on it. So he chose that, but later on realised that it's not all that different from the first one. Later he would say that his life is good because he took the road less traveled. Here's where I think the issue is. There is no way of knowing where he would haven been in life had he taken the other path (especially since he saw that both of them were more or less the same). It is quite possible that he would be at the same good place in life or maybe a better place had he taken the other path. However, he wants to believe that what he is, is because of the decision to take the less trodden path. Herein lies a problem.

Humans have this innate obstinate need to feel different, to feel unique. A need to feel that no one else does or has done what they have. No one else has faced the kind of life that they have. That they have taken decisions and lived life in a very special way that no one else has. That they have taken the road less traveled. But is that road really that different from the others? Yes, every person and his/her surroundings and choices that they get in life, is different from the others. But if you look closely, there are so many who have a more or less similar life and similar choices in front of them. There are very few people who actually take the less trodden path - even though almost everyone thinks that they have done it. And that path is not for everyone - that's precisely why it's less trodden. Not everyone can handle the path well. That's what Maninder's story tells us.

'The road less traveled' may be romantic and alluring, but that doesn't mean that you HAVE to take it. Everyone has different abilities, strength and will. When faced with a choice, the decision needs to be made, not based on the allure but based on what is right for you. Sometimes the choice could be a path that has been traveled on for ages by many many people before you, but that doesn't mean that it is the wrong path. Choosing that doesn't make you any less special. It just makes you more prudent. It doesn't mean that you should never take the other road - it solely depends on you and what is right for you. It can be argued that this is a defeatist mentality or that you will never know what your 'limits' are. And that is why, even before you make a choice, you need to first understand yourself. Self realization is the key to making the right choices - otherwise you will keep getting swayed by factors that should have nothing to do with your choices. Only when you know yourself, can you decide what is right for you and what will make you happy.

Remember that for you to be happy, it's not about choosing the road less traveled, it's about how you travel the road you choose.

Dealing with Anxiety disorder

Anxiety is probably one of the worst mental conditions to have. Only those suffering from it can truly understand the pain. While almost all of us have experienced being nervous at some point in our lives, it is not the same as suffering from chronic anxiety. It is a mental state that emanates from some negative experiences or some kind of mental trauma in the past. There probably are genetic reasons for it as well, but that's for medical professionals to decide.

Some of key symptoms (www.themindsjournal.com - Ethan Ray) that says you are suffering from chronic anxiety disorder are -

1. You are always imagining the worst possible outcome of any situation - and you keep thinking about it
2. You avoid meeting people or going out for the fear of getting judged - for your appearance, for your personality, for anything
3. You are constantly scared that people will find out that you have anxiety issues
4. You make fewer friends to keep avoid getting anxious (more friends means more interactions - leading to more chances of getting anxious)
5. You over-analyze everything
6. You dread the future rather than look forward to it
7. You replay past conversations or actions again and again
8. You always think it's your fault
9. You keep comparing yourself with others - and assume you're not good enough
10. You strive to be a perfectionist - that's your way of ensuring no one blames you for any missing detail
11. You get irritated very easily when things don't go according to your plan
12. You feel like the walls are closing in on you and you have this dire need to find a way out

One of the key things about anxiety is that it does not stem from worrying about the future, it stems from trying to control the future. Being in control and on top of the situation is what causes us to be anxious. It probably is how our reactions to a threat have developed over the past thousands of years - the fight or flight reaction. It is about being able to know for sure how to overcome a (supposedly threatening) situation or to know how to escape it. Most of the symptoms of chronic anxiety are the "flight" reactions to a situation. The problem is that, for a person with anxiety disorder, almost all situations including the normal ones appear threatening. That's how this is different from usual nervousness or fear. And the most scary of all the symptoms occurs when you have an anxiety attack - when there's difficulty breathing, you start hyperventilating, head becomes light and you feel like you are having a heart attack - you just want to tear away the space around you and stick your neck out so you can breathe. It lasts a few seconds - most certainly less than a minute - but it could be very scary.

While chronic anxiety may need medical help as well, there are some things that certainly help in controlling the situation especially when there is a panic or an anxiety attack.

1. Change your physical position - If you are standing when you have an attack, start moving around a bit while trying to control your breathing and bringing it back to normal. If you were moving, sit down. If you were sitting, stand up. A conscious change in position brings your mind back to the present and distracts you a little from what you are feeling
2. Control your breathing - Do yoga regularly and learn pranayam. That helps in managing and controlling your breathing. When an attack occurs, breathing becomes very abnormal. That's when a control on it is needed. Try to breathe normally and slowly, it will automatically start bringing your heart rate to normal
3. Tell yourself that all's well - This might sound silly but during an attack, just tell yourself that nothing's wrong and that all's well. You probably have had an attack before and you probably will have it in future as well. But you have survived them in the past and you will survive them in future as well. So tell yourself that it's all well and you're not having a heart attack. You will survive these few seconds of terror
4. Be in the here and now - This is something that is needed to be done all the time, not just during the attack. Whenever faced with extreme stress or anxiety, open your eyes wide and look at what is around you. Bring your mind back to what is right there in front of you and to that moment in time where you are at the moment. Just concentrate on and observe what is in front of you. It will automatically remove all the thoughts from your mind and reduce the stress and anxiety

Dealing with anxiety yourself can be tough, but dealing with someone who has anxiety issues can be even tougher because you can never know what that person is going through. Anxiety issues can appear so irrational sometimes that you may not understand how to react or how to help that person. If you happen to know someone who has such issues, the best way to help that person is to be yourself and be normal with that person. Even if they experience an anxiety attack while with you, you only need to be there for them and play it by the ear. You don't need to say anything or do anything. Just let them know that you are there.

And whether or not you're facing chronic anxiety, the one mantra that you should always remember and practice for a stressfree life is - Here and Now!

To be or not to be

The recent suicide by VG Siddhartha, the founder of CCD is very thought provoking. In the recent past, so many farmers have committed suicide because of failed crops and financial pressure. VG's suicide was also because of a failed (or at least that's what he believed) business and financial pressure (again, that's what we know so far). So in both the cases, the reasons were more external than internal. There could be other external factors at work, like bad government policies or lack of support from others, etc. But the fact remains that the external factors caused so much stress to all of them that they decided to end their lives rather than live through it.

Having said that, why don't animals commit suicide? They have more dependency on external factors for their very survival. Is it because they are so used to fighting for their basic needs that they never feel the stress? or is it that they are incapable of feeling stress? Either ways, it probably sounds like their inherent response to the external stress-causing factors is different than ours. Maybe because we think more or maybe because of our "self-realization" or self-reflection that the animals possibly don't have. Or maybe it's our ability to interpret and imagine that causes us to foresee possible (negative) options and dwell on them more, leading them to avoid the associated pain by terminating the path itself without focusing on other possible paths.

Religions have their own views about suicide. They generally look at it from the moral perspective of right and wrong. However philosophers look at it from a different perspective. Probably the most famous philosopher to contemplate suicide was Albert Camus. In a lighter vein, he said "Should I kill myself or have a cup of coffee?". But in a more serious way he said "There is but one truly serious philosophical problem and that is suicide." What he's trying to say is that if, as an example, one considers coffee to be a meaningful part of one's existence, then one should choose that and choose to live another day.

Stoic philosopher Epictetus uses an analogy to explain his view about suicide - that of a house on fire, full of smoke. He says, "Don't believe that your situation is genuinely bad - no one can make you do that. Is there smoke in the house? If it's not suffocating, I will stay indoors; if it proves too much, I will leave. Always remember - the door is open." One of Epictetus's friends was trying to starve himself to death for apparently no good reason. To him he said - "If your decision is reasonable, we are by your side. But if it's unreasonable, then you ought to change it."

It's precisely this interpretation of the situation or the decision as reasonable or unreasonable that is tough. The stoics believe that we would never know when our time is up. However, that's precisely why we should live every moment to the fullest. In the here and now. Seneca says, "Hold every hour in your grasp. Lay hold of today's task, and you will not need to depend so much upon tomorrow's. While we are postponing, life speeds by." Epictetus views, "A limit of time is fixed for you, which if you do not use for clearing away the clouds from your mind, it will go and you will go, and it will never return." While saying all of this, the stoics also know in their hearts that the door is always open. So they believe in grabbing that cup of coffee today, knowing well that they can always choose to leave from that open door anytime when the smoke becomes unbearable.

But while choosing to leave, one should never forget the impact it's gonna have on others around us. One should always remember what one of Simone de Beauvoir's characters from her book says about her death - "My death does not belong to me. It's the others who would live my death."

Practical stoicism - 10 steps

The word "stoic" in English language that means 'a person who can endure pain or hardship without showing their feelings or complaining'. However, stoicism (from which the word ‘stoic’ has come about), teaches development of self-control and fortitude as a means to overcome destructive emotions. Everyone thinks of happiness in a different way. The Greek work Eudaimonia can be translated to happiness at a broad level. But what it means is Living in accordance with nature, and stoic believe in this happiness rather than the more superficial one. And how do we get there? Stoicism offers a path to that happiness. It is one of the few philosophies that can actually be applied to daily life pretty easily. Here’s are some practical exercises –

1. Physical discomfort – Any of form physical discomfort is good for you. Running, exercising, going for a walk, waking up early, taking the stairs instead of elevator, etc. or any other such discomfort will make your body enjoy the comfort more. You will appreciate it more. You will feel thankful for all the comforting things you have with you.

2. Mental discomfort – Resist things like video games, procrastination, watching porn, etc. on a regular basis. There could be many more such things. It increases your capacity to have control on your own emotions and action and also makes you appreciate them more.

3. Social discomfort – Do something discomforting socially e.g. Go out people you haven’t gone earlier. Meet new people. Go to a new place. Wear a different T shirt instead of normal ones that you wear. Do something out of your comfort zone socially. It may end up in you getting stares and comments from your friends and people around you. But it will increase your confidence tremendously if you can pull it off!

4. Forgiving people – No one makes a bad decision or a mistake on purpose. At some point in their lives or in fact at many points in their lives, everyone makes a mistake. So, we need to learn to forgive people for it. Tell yourself that the other person messed up, so what? You’d too sometime or the other. Forgiving others for their mistakes will make you hurt less when you commit a mistake yourself.

5. Training to stay calm – This works over time. We need to develop this habit. Sometimes people say nasty things or nasty things happen around us, but we cannot control them. What we can control is how we react to them. So, we should learn to react with calmness instead of getting angry or frustrated because none of that will help. They will only put us on a downward spiral. This is applicable even if we mess up ourselves. Learn it. Practice it.

6. Detaching ourselves – We need to learn to detach ourselves from everything that is not real. But at the same time, be grateful for what we have. There are so many regular pleasures that we get used to. We need to detach ourselves from them, so we can concentrate on what is real and natural for us. We can fast once a week or stay away from our favourite food for a month. Stay away from social media regularly. Sleep on ground instead of the bed occasionally. Practicing this helps in increased appreciation of and lower hurt from things around us.

7. Giving in – to pain and sickness. Pain and sickness is natural. Embrace it as a teacher. Learn from it. Accept that is happens to everyone. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to cure a disease or remove the cause of pain. What it means is, accepting it for what it is – a natural phenomenon.

8. Accept life – as it is. Focus on reality. We can’t change everything. We can’t control everything around us. It could be weather or a job situation or anything for that matter. Don’t resist reality. Check if something is in your control or not. If it’s not, then don’t be thinking about it. Just accept and move to things you can change and control. That way, we spend more energy and time on things where you can make a difference.

9. Use role models – Ask yourself, what your role model would do, your father or any other person you consider your role model, in a situation. Not everyone can do everything perfectly. But looking at or imagining what a role model would do, helps us in taking the right steps and act in the right way.

9. Reflect – on your day and check what out of the 9 things you did today. This will help in keeping up the motivation to do it. Keep a journal and write it down every day. It’s ok if you mess up sometime but be honest about it. When you write down the journal, you will focus on the important activities and important feelings of the day. That helps not only in developing a habit but also in learning about our own selves.